    The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, October
    21st 1893, by Various

    This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
    almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
    re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
    with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org/license

    Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, October 21st 1893

    Author: Various

    Editor: Sir Francis Burnand

    Release Date: April 2, 2012 [EBook #39351]

    Language: English

    Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1

    *** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***

    Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Lesley Halamek and the Online
    Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net

[pg 181]

# Punch, or the London Charivari

## Volume 105, October 21st 1893

#### edited by Sir Francis Burnand

### THE SHAFTESBURY FOUNTAIN AGAIN.

Sensational Incident in Piccadilly Circus, as seen by Our Artist.

## THE WAR IN SOUTH AMERICA.

#### (From our Correspondent on the Spot.)

There or Thereabouts, Saturday.

I hope you will not believe all you hear. I am told that the messages are tampered with, but this I trust to get through the lines without difficulty. It is being carried by a professional brigand disguised as a monk.

First let me disabuse the minds of your readers about the blowing up of the hospital. It is quite true that the place was sent spinning into the air. But the patients were put to the minimum of inconvenience. They were removed from the wards without being called upon to quit their beds. They went somewhere after returning to the ground, but where I do not know. Some of the local doctors say that the change of air (caused by the explosion) may have done them good. It is not impossible.

I am glad to be able to contradict the report that the Stock Exchange and the apple-stall at the corner were both bombarded. This is a deliberate falsehood. The Stock Exchange, it is true, was razed to the ground, but the apple-stall escaped uninjured. This is an example of the reckless fashion in which reports are circulated.

Then about the burning of the city. It is certainly true that the place was set alight in two hundred places at once. But the day was cold, and I think it was only done because the troops wanted to warm their hands. You must not believe all you hear, and it is unwise to impute motives before receiving explanations. The people here are warm-hearted and sympathetic, and the soldiers (as a body) are the mildest-mannered persons imaginable.

And the report about the blowing-up of the bridges. Here again there has been gross exaggeration. The bed of the river, in spite of reports to the contrary, was left undisturbed. Only the stone-work was sent spinning, and yet some reporters insist that everything was blown into smithereens! Reporters really should be more careful.

And now I must conclude, as my brigand, disguised as a priest, is just off.

As a parting request, I would urge upon my stockbrokers to buy. We are sure to have a rise presently, and I predict this with the greater confidence as I know that the house in which I am writing is undermined.

### WASTED SWEETNESS.

#### A heartrending Study of Shadow on the Underground Railway!

The P. M. Magazine goes in for discussion of Bi-metallism. Sir John Lubbock writes about "The Case for Gold," and Mr. Vicary Gibbs, M.P., about "The Case for Silver." Considering the relative value of the metals, the case for gold ought to be out and away the stronger of the two, impregnable, and burglar-proof, so that it could be advertised thus: "It's no use having gold unless you have Sir John Lubbock's 'case for gold' to keep it in."

[pg 182]

### BEHEMOTH AND THE LION; OR, SPEARS AND QUILLS.

##### A Fable for Pseudo-Philanthropists.

Philanthropist Press-Man. "Oh stop, stop, Mister Lion! Wait a bit! Perhaps the pretty Creature means no harm!"

Leo (curtly). "Look at his Teeth!"

> [Mr. Rider Haggard (writing to the Times) remarks that a considerable section of the English Press seems to be of opinion that Lobengula is an innocent and worthy savage, on whom a quarrel is being forced by the Chartered Company for its own mercenary ends. He suggests that the appearance of an armed Matabele impi in Mayfair might alter their views.]

"Behemoth is big and black, and monstrous-mouthed and toothfull,

But to say he is carnivorous were cruelly untruthful!"

So quoth the Querulous Quillman, or Pen-armed Philanthropist,

Whose intellect seems ever in a sentimental mist.

Now Leo, little given to read books on Natural History,

Was watchful of Dame Nature's facts. "It seems to me a mystery

My querulous Press Porcupine," observed the wary Lion,

"That what you've set your heart on, you can never keep clear eye on.

Look at his teeth!" "Oh, nonsense!" cried the Querulous Quillman, quoting

From a book on Big Mammalia, to which he'd been devoting

All his odd moments recently. "Those tusks may look terrific,

But the monster's graminivorous, and pleasant, and pacific.

They're solely meant for cutting grass! Huge uppers and big lowers,

Though threatening as ripping-saws, are harmless as lawn-mowers.

As weapons of offence they're seldom used, so here 'tis stated,

'Unless the creature's wounded sore, or greatly irritated.'

He is innocent and worthy, this Titanic-jawed Colossus.

Those gleaming tusks won't 'chump' you, he won't trample us, or toss us,

Unless we interfere with him. He likes to stand there grinning,

With those terrible incisors, in a way which mayn't be winning,

Still, 'tis but his style of smiling, and it's not his fault, poor fellow!

If his maw's a crimson cavern, and his tusks are huge and yellow."

Behemoth meanwhile snorted in his own earthquaky fashion,

And yawned, and lashed and trampled like a tiger in a passion.

[pg 183]

By the gleaming of his optics, and the clashing of his tushes,

He seemed to be preparing for the Ugliest of Rushes.

Quoth Leo, "Good friend Porcupine, you may be quite prophetic,

And I a bit 'too previous.' Your picture's most pathetic;

But I've seen your pachydermatous Poor Innocent when furious,

And for a gentle graminivorous creature, it is curious

How he'll run amuck like a Malay, and crunch canoes and foes up,

With those same tusks, which might have made a Mammoth turn his toes up.

So if you please, friend Porcupine, your quills I shall not trust again

To meet those spears, which hate would wash—in blood, 'ere they should rust again.

Mere quills won't quell an Impi, or make Behemoth good-neighbourly.

Leo must guard this spot, where British enterprise and labour lie,

The Monster seems to meditate attack, if I may judge of him,

So let me have the first slap at, whilst you keep on scribbling fudge of him!

#### Moral.

It may appear superfluous to point this fable's moral;

But—teeth that could crush chain-mail seem scarce shaped for mumbling coral!

### A WEIGHTY PROSPECT.

The Captain (who has just been giving a spin to his last purchase, for his Wife's inspection). "Good goer, ain't he? and a full Fourteen-Stone Horse, you know!"

Young Wife (as yet somewhat innocent in horsey matters). "Oh, I'm sure he's more than that, dear. Why, Mamma weighs nearly as much!"

## A LETTER HOME.

#### (From our Youngest Contributor.)

My dear Mr. Punch,—This is about the last letter you will receive from me. I know it is, as all will soon be over! And I shall be glad of it. I can't last out until the Christmas holidays. Who could with such food? Why, it would make a dog cough!

It's no use learning anything. Why should I, when it will be all over almost directly? What's the good of Latin and Greek if you are going to chuck it almost at once? And mathematics, too! What use are they if the end is near? It's all very well to cram, but what's the good of it when you know you won't survive to eat the plum pudding?

There's no news. There's never any news. Smith Minor has got his cap for football, and Snooks Major is going up to Oxford instead of Cambridge. What does it matter when the beef is so tough that you might sole your boots with it? And as for the mutton! Well, all I can say is, that it isn't fit for human food, and the authorities should be told about it. As for me, I am passing away. No one will ever see me more. For all that, you might send me a hamper. Your affectionate friend,

Jacky.

### STAR-GAZING.

["Astronomy has become a deservedly fashionable hobby with young ladies."]

My love is an astronomer,

Whose knowledge I rely on,

She'll talk about, as I prefer,

The satellites of Jupiter,

The nebulous Orion.

When evening shades about us fall

Each hour too quickly passes.

We take no heed of time at all,

When studying celestial

Phenomena through glasses.

The salient features we descry

Of all the starry pattern;

To see with telescopic eye

The citizens of Mars we try,

Or speculate on Saturn.

To find another planet still

If ever we're enabled,

The world discovered by her skill

As "Angelina Tomkyns" will

Triumphantly be labelled.

The likeness of the stars elsewhere

By day we view between us,

We recognise the Greater Bear,

I grieve to say, in Tomkyns père,

And close at hand is Venus!

In fact, the editorial note

Above, which is of course meant

To lead more ladies to devote

Attention to the stars, I quote

With cordial endorsement!

"In the Name of the Prophet!"—Which is the right way of spelling the name of the Prophet of Islam? Is it Mohammed? Mahomet? Muhammed? or Mahomed? Are his followers Mohammedans? Mahommedans? Mahometans? Moslems? Mussulmen? or Muslims? Perhaps, to adapt Mr. Mantalini's famous summary, and merely substituting "all" for "both," and "none of 'em" for "neither," we may say "So all are right, and none of 'em wrong, upon our life and soul, O demmit!"

[pg 184]

## UNDER THE ROSE.

### (A Story in Scenes.)

Scene IX.—Charles Collimore's Sitting-room at Keppel Street, Bloomsbury. Time—Saturday afternoon.

Mrs. Cagney (the landlady, showing Mr. Toovey in). Oh, I thought Mr. Collimore had come in, Sir, but I expect him in every minute. Will you take a seat?

Mr. Toovey (sitting down). Thank you, I'm in no hurry—no hurry at all. (To himself.) Cornelia wished me to put a few questions quietly to the landlady. I suppose I'd better do it while——(Aloud.) Hem, I hope, Ma'am, that you find Mr. Collimore a—an unexceptionable lodger—in all respects?

Mrs. Cagn. (crossing her hands stiffly in front of her). Mr. Collimore conducks hisself as a gentleman, and treats me as a lady, which is all my requirements.

Mr. Toov. Quite so—very satisfactory, I'm sure, but—does he keep fairly regular hours? Or is he at all inclined to be—er—fast?

Mrs. Cagn. (on her guard). I can't answer for the time his watch keeps, myself. I dessay it goes as reg'lar as what most do.

Mr. Toov. No, no; I was referring to his habits. I mean—does he usually spend his evenings quietly at home?

Mrs. Cagn. You'll excuse me, but if you're arsking me all these questions out of mere himpertinent curiosity——

Mr. Toov. I—I trust I have a higher motive, Ma'am. In fact, I may as well tell you I am Mr. Collimore's uncle.

Mrs. Cagn. (to herself). The old fox! So he's trying to ferret out something against him, is he? Well, he won't—that's all. (Aloud.) If you are his huncle, Sir, all I can say is, you've got a nephew to be proud on. I wouldn't wish to let my first floor to a steadier or a more industrious young gentleman; comes in punctual to a tick every night of his life and 'as his dinner, and sets studyin' his book till 'alf-past ten, which is his bed-time. I don't know what more you want.

Mr. Toov. (to himself). This is really very satisfactory—if I could only believe it. (Aloud.) But do I understand you to say that that is his invariable practice? Occasionally, I suppose, he goes out to a place of amusement—such as a music-hall, now?

Mrs. Cagn. (to herself). Well, he may; and why not? He don't get into no mischief, though light-'earted. I ain't going to give him a bad name. (Aloud.) Lor, Sir, don't you go and put such ideas into his 'ed. Bless your 'art alive, if he knows there are such places, it's as much as he does know!

Mr. Toov. (testily). Now, now, my good woman, I'm afraid you're trying to deceive me. I happen to know more about my nephew's tastes and pursuits than you imagine.

Mrs. Cagn. (roused). Then, if you know so much, whatever do you come 'ere and ask me for? It's my belief you ain't up to no good, for all you look so respectable, comin' into my 'ouse a-pokin' your nose into what don't concern you, for all the world like a poll-pryin', sneakin' Russian spy!

Charles (entering behind her). Hallo, Mrs. Cagney, what's all this—who's a Russian spy, eh? (Recognising Mr. Toovey.) What—Uncle! you don't mean to say it's you?

[Mr. Toovey stands stricken with confusion.

Mrs. Cagn. I may have spoke too free, Mr. Collimore, Sir, but when a party, as is elderly enough to know better, tries to put under'and questions to me about where and 'ow any o' my gentlemen pass their hevenins, and if they go to the music-'all and what not—why, I put it to you——

Charles. All right, Mrs. Cagney, put it to me some other time; you didn't understand my uncle, that's all—you needn't stay. Oh, by the way, I'm dining out again this evening. Tell Cagney to leave the chain, as I may be late. (After Mrs. C. has retired.) Well, Uncle, I'm afraid your diplomacy hasn't had quite the success it deserved.

"Mr. Collimore conducks hisself as a gentleman, and treats me as a lady."

Mr. Toov. (sheepishly). I assure you, my boy, that I—I was not inquiring for my own satisfaction. Your Aunt is naturally anxious to know how you—— But your landlady gave you an excellent character.

Charles. She didn't seem to be equally complimentary to you, Uncle. "A Russian spy," wasn't it? But really, you know, you might have come to me for any information you require. I don't mind telling you all there is to tell. And surely Aunt knows I've been to a music-hall; why, she pitched into me about it enough last Sunday!

Mr. Toov. I—I think she wanted to know whether you went frequently, Charles, or only that once.

Charles. Oh, and so she sent you up to pump my landlady? Well, I'll tell you exactly how it is. I don't set up to be a model young man like your friend Curphew. I don't spend all my evenings in this cheerful and luxurious apartment. Now and then I find the splendour of the surroundings rather too much for me, and I'm ready to go anywhere, even to a music-hall, for a change. There, I blush to say, I spend an hour or two, smoking cigars, and even drinking a whisky and soda, or a lemon squash, listening to middle-aged ladies in sun-bonnets and accordion skirts singing out of tune. I don't know that they amuse me much, but, at all events, they're livelier than Mrs. Cagney. I'm dining out to-night, at the Criterion, with a man at the office, and it's as likely as not we shall go in to the Valhalla or the Eldorado afterwards. There, you can't say I'm concealing anything from you. And I don't see why you should groan like that, Uncle.

Mr. Toov. (feebly). I—I'd rather you didn't go to the—the Eldorado, Charles.

Charles. There's ingratitude! I thought you'd be touched by my devotion.

Mr. Toov. (to himself). I can't tell him I was thinking of going there myself! (Aloud.) You will show your devotion best by keeping away. The less young men go to such places, my boy, the better!

Charles. Not for you, Uncle. You forget that it's the humble five bob of fellows like me that help to provide your next dividend.

Mr. Toov. (wincing). Don't, Charles, it—it's ungenerous and undutiful to reproach me with being a shareholder when you know how innocently I became one!

Charles. But I wasn't reproaching you, Uncle, it was rather the other way round, wasn't it? And really, considering you are a shareholder in the Eldorado, it's a little too strong to condemn me for merely going there.

Mr. Toov. I—I may not be a shareholder long, Charles. Unless I can conscientiously feel able to retain my shares I shall take the first opportunity of selling them.

Charles. But why, Uncle? Better stick to them now you have got them!

Mr. Toov. What? with the knowledge that I was profiting by practices I disapproved of? Never, Charles!

Charles. But you can't sell without making a profit, you know; they've gone up tremendously.

Mr. Toov. Oh, dear me! Then, do you mean that I shouldn't even be morally justified in selling them? Oh, you don't think that, Charles?

Charles. That's a point you must settle for yourself, Uncle, it's beyond me. But, as a dutiful nephew, don't you see, I'm bound to do all I can in the meantime to keep up the receipts for you, if I have to go to the Eldorado every evening and get all the fellows I know to go too. Mustn't let those shares go down, whether you hold on or sell, eh?

Mr. Toov. (horrified). Don't make me an excuse for encouraging young men to waste precious time in idleness and folly. I won't allow it—it's abominable, Sir! You've put me in such a state of perplexity by all this, Charles, I—I hardly know where I am! Tell me, are you really going to the Eldorado this evening?

Charles. I can't say; it depends on the other fellow. But I will [pg 185] if I can get him to go, for your sake. And I'm afraid I ought to go and change, Uncle, if you'll excuse me. Make yourself as comfortable as you can. Here's to-day's Pink 'Un, if you haven't seen it.

Mr. Toov. I'm not in the habit of seeing such periodicals, Sir. And I must be going. Oh, by the bye, your Aunt wished me to ask you to come down and dine and sleep on Monday next. Thea will be back, and I believe Mr. Curphew has got a free evening for once. Shall I tell her you will come, Charles?

Charles. Thanks; I'll come with pleasure. But, I say, Aunt doesn't want to give me another lecture, I hope? After all, she can't say much if you've told her about those shares, as I suppose you have.

Mr. Toov. N—not yet, Charles. I have not found a convenient opportunity. There, I can't stay—good-bye, my boy.

[He takes his leave.

End of Scene IX.

Scene X.—In the Street.

Mr. Toovey (to himself). I'm afraid Charles has lost every particle of respect for me. I wish I had never told him about those wretched shares. And what am I to do now? If I go to this Eldorado place, he may be there too; and, if he sees me, I shall never hear the last of it! And yet my mind will never be easy unless I do go and see for myself what it really is like. That young Curphew expects me to go. But I don't know, I do so dread the idea of going—alone, too! I should like to ask somebody else what he thinks I ought to do—somebody who is a man of the world. I wonder if I went to see Larkins—he won't be in his office so late as this, but I might catch him in his chambers. It was all through him I got into this difficulty; he ought to help me out of it if he can. I really think I might take a cab and drive to Piccadilly, on the chance.

[He hails a Hansom, and drives off.

End of Scene X.

## CARR-ACTORS AT "THE COMEDY."

A Portrait from M-Emery. Emery Powder and polish'd performance.

When we have two original plays like Pinero's Second Mrs. Tanqueray and Grundy's Sowing the Wind, we may congratulate ourselves that they do not "do these things better in France." Mrs. Tanqueray is a life-like tragedy, and Sowing the Wind a life-like comedy. It was a pleasure to congratulate Mr. Alexander at the St. James's on his choice of a piece, and of the company to suit it, especially on the engagement of Mrs. Patrick Campbell for the heroine; and now it is equally pleasant to congratulate a confrère in literature, Mr. Comyns Carr, on having made so eminently successful a début in theatrical management, as he has done in choice of the piece and of the company to play it.

Brandon and Monkey Brand-on.

Mr. Brandon Thomas Brabazon (to Cyril Maude Watkin). "I know that face. I've seen it on the hoardings."

Watkin (faintly). "It won't wash!"

[Collapses.]

It is a canon of comedy-construction that from the first, the audience should be let into the secret of the dénouement, but that they should be puzzled as to the means by which that end is to be achieved. This play is an excellent example of the rule. Everybody knows who the heroine is from the moment of her appearance; but as to how she, the illegitimate daughter, is to be recognised and acknowledged by her father, this is the problem that no one except the dramatist, in the course of four acts, can solve. It is a very clever piece of workmanship. In these modern matter-of-fact realistic days, fancy the awful danger to any play in which a father has to discover his long-lost child! The strawberry mark on the left arm, the amulet, the duplicate miniature of the mother—these ways and means, and many others, must occur to the playgoer, and must have presented themselves at the outset to the author, flattering himself on his originality, as difficulties almost insuperable because so stagey, so worn threadbare, so out of date.

Over these difficulties Mr. Grundy has triumphed, and with him triumph the actors and the stage-manager; as, for the most part, except when there is a needless conventional "taking the centre" for supposed effect, the stage management is as admirable as the acting and the dialogue, which is saying a great deal, but not a bit too much.

Portrait of the Great Duke of Wellington, when Marquis of Douro, by Mr. Ian Robertson.

Mr. Brandon Thomas and Miss Emery have never done anything better. The former with his peculiar north-country "burr," and with his collars and general make up reminding many of the G. O. M., whilst Mr. Ian Robertson as the wicked old Lord is not unlike the pictures of the Iron Duke when Lord Douro. Mr. Edmund Maurice, as representing the slangy, sporting, about-town Baronet of the Tom-and-Jerry day, is a kind of Goldfinch in The Road to Ruin, with a similar kind of catchword, which I suppose, on Mr. Grundy's authority [though I do not remember the expression nor the use of the word "chuck" in Tom and Jerry—the authority for Georgian era slang] was one of the slang phrases of that period. For my part (a very small part), I am inclined to credit Mr. Grundy with the invention of "smash my topper," and of the introduction of "chuck it" into eighteenth century London slang.

Admirable are the quaint sketches of character given by Miss Rose Leclercq and Miss Annie Hughes. Manly and lover-like is Mr. Sydney Brough. In the dramatic unfolding of the plot, faultlessly acted as it is, the audience from first to last are thoroughly interested. Here and there, speeches and scenes would be all the better for some judicious excision. When you are convinced, further argument weakens the case, and I confess I should like to hear that ten minutes' worth of dialogue had been taken out of the parts played by Mr. Brandon Thomas and Miss Winifred Emery. But this is a small matter—a very small matter. To sum up, it is good work and good play, and so the new manager and lessee is at this present moment a Triumphal Carr.

Q. Why was there at one time a chance of the Times, which has always been up to date, ever being behind time?
—A. Because formerly there was so much Delayin!!

Motto for Ladies who "Grub Short" to Avoid Obesity.—Grace before Meat!

### Nulli Secundus.

(By a Lover of the Links.)

Lyttleton asks—great cricketer, for shame!—

If Golf—Great Scot!!!—is quite "a first-class game."

Well, if first-class it cannot quite be reckoned,

'Tis that it stands alone, and hath no second!

[pg 186]

### A PROTEST.

"And Pray, am I never to be Naughty, Miss Grimm?"

### "L'UNION FAIT LA—FARCE!"

> ["France turns from her abandoned friends afresh And soothes the Bear that prowls for patriot flesh."

> —Campbell.]

Yes, history here doth repeat itself verily!

Fancy fair France, in Republican rig,

"Soothing the Bear" again; footing it merrily

In—well now, what is the name of this jig?

Cancan, or Carmagnole? Blend of the two?

Anyhow, 'tis a most strange "Pas de Deux"!

Policy makes pride and principles plastic,

And 'tis most true that extremes often meet;

Yet as a sample of joint "Light Fantastic"

This dual dance must be baddish to beat.

Beauty and Beast vis-à-vis in the dance,

Were scarce funnier partners than Russia and France.

Autocrat Bruin, can he really relish

The larkish high-kick, the tempestuous twirl,

That risky Republican dances embellish?

And she—a political "Wallflower," poor girl!—

Can she truly like the strange partner that fate

Apportions her, lumpish, unlovely, and late?

Like 'Arry and 'Arriet out for a frolic,

They've interchanged head-gear, by curious hap!

Of what is this strange substitution symbolic?

The Autocrat crown and the Phrygian cap

They've "swopped," but they both most uneasily sit,

And each for the other appears a poor fit.

That Liberty cap upon Bruin's brown noddle!

That crown—much awry—on the Beauty's fair head!

Absurd! And the Bear's heavy lumbering waddle

Sorts oddly enough with the lady's light tread.

He won't get her step! Will she try to catch his?

As soon shall small beer take the sparkle of fizz.

Is she "soothing the Bear"—with a show of lip-honey?

Is he flattering the Bee—with an eye on the hive?

Sting hidden, claws sheathed—for how long? Well, 'tis funny,

This queer little game, whilst they keep it alive!

Dance-partnership is not "for better for worse,"

And "union of hearts" sometimes smacks of—the purse.

"Twos and Threes" is a game to the playground familiar!

"Two's Company!" Yes, so, in this case, are Three!

Alliances frequently made willy-nilly are

Dual or Triple. The Eagles we see

Foregather; so may they not meet—in the dance—

The Big Northern Beast and the Beauty of France?

### ANGELS.

I wonder if you give your mind

At all to angels. "Which?" you say?

Why, angels of the hymn-book kind,

Not imitation ones in clay.

I often do. They fascinate

My fancy to a strange degree;

And meditating much of late

There came two serious points to me.

You notice in the Holy Writ

Angels are never feminine;

But, wheresoever they may flit,

He came, he spake, he gave the sign.

The men who wrote of them were sage,

And knew their subject out and out;

But we live in a wicked age,

That twists the angels' sex about.

And painters paint them girls. And then

The question sets one's brains afire—

Why choristers on earth are men,

If women form the heavenly choir?

And if they do paint here or there

A man among the cherubim,

I claim to know why not a hair

May grow upon the face of him?

I know the Roman Church decreed

"A priest shall wear a shaven face."

But what of angels? There indeed

Razor and strop seem out of place.

Then why this hairless cheek and chin?

I ask, and Echo answers Why?

Have angel-cheeks no roots within?

—Here comes my keeper. So, good-bye!

Reckless.—"Mr. Allen, Senator of Albraska, a prominent silverite, spoke for fifteen hours." "Speech is silver. Silence golden." If all silverites go on at this length, there'll be no silence, ergo, no gold. Q. E. D.

[pg 187]

## "L'UNION FAIT LA-FARCE!"

[pg 188]
[pg 189]

## "OUT FOR AN OTTER-DAY!"

### MY PRETTY JANE AT A LATER SEASON.

(Respectfully submitted for the consideration of Mr. Sims Reeves.)

My pretty Jane, my pretty Jane,

You still, you still are looking shy!

You never met me in the evening

When the bloom was on the rye.

The year is waning fast, my love;

The leaves are in the sere;

The fog-horns now are humming, love;

And the moonshine's "moonshine," dear.

But, pretty Jane, my dearest Jane,

I never will "say die";—

Come, meet me, meet me in our parlour,

Where the bloom is on the fly.

Just name your day, that mother may

Produce her best in china things,

And stop yon man in apron white,

Whose muffin-bell, whose muffin-bell now rings.

The year is waning fast, &c.

"A Triple Bill."—"The Home Rule Bill," said Mr. Chamberlain to his American friends, "is not scotched. It is killed." Of course our Joe knows that were it "scotched" it would be only "half kilt." But the idea of an Irish Bill being Scotched! Our only Joe might have added that it was "Welsh'd" in the Lords.

Phœbus, what a Name!—Sir Comer Petheram, Chief Justice of Bengal, is coming home. Welcome, Sir Home-Comer Petheram. Or, why not Sir Homer Petheram for short?

### TO A YOUNG COUNTRY FRIEND, AGED SEVEN.

(Who whistled of Monte Carlo not wisely, but too well.)

Sweet youth! I wonder if you'll feel much pain

To know that that sweet soul-inspiring strain

You whistle at so wonderful a rate

Is now in point of fact quite out of date.

Down in the country pr'aps you hardly know

At what a pace these street-songs come and go.

At present you're a day behind the fair,

And want (as I myself) a change of air.

You should protest you're being driven crazy

By waiting for the answer of fair Daisy;

Or else ask sadly what was she to do

Who, "silly girl," got taken on to Crewe.

Whistle that charming ditty, if you must,

Until, (forgive the phrase) until you bust,

But do not whistle, if you wish to rank

As in the know, "The Man who broke the Bank."

[pg 190]

### UPON JULIA'S MOTHER.

(To depart presently.)

Julia, I deemed that I had wed

Not thine, but only thee;

A child I wept my mother sped,

Thou'st given thine to me.

She came as wandering sea-birds come

To rest upon a spar

Of ships that trail the lights of home

Where homeless billows are.

From Aix-les-Bains to Harrogate,

From Bath to Tunbridge Wells,

She's sojourned in Imperial state,

Yet here content she dwells.

Content—and yet no truce with truth

Such Roman mothers know;

Quick to detect the faults of youth,

And prompt to tell us so.

I knew not I possess'd the charms

Her wandering will to bind,

To keep me from my Julia's arms,

And mould the baby's mind.

When first I held thee to my breast

I little dreamt the day

Another bird would share the nest

As there content to stay.

Thy kindred, dear, I wooed not them,

Such wealth I'd fain resign;

Since I have won the brightest gem

I covet not the mine.

Mrs. R. says that when she thinks the drains are likely to be offensive she invariably uses "bucolic."

### A CRISIS IN CONJUGAL LIFE.

Fond Husband. "Look here, Ethel, I see you daily getting Thinner and Paler; you cannot Eat, you cannot Sleep, while I find Life a burden to me. I can bear it no longer! Let us make a Bargain. If you promise not to give me a Christmas Present, I'll promise not to give you one. There!"

### FAREWELL!

(On hearing that snow had fallen in the North.)

Snow has fallen, winter's due;

In the months that now ensue

Smoky fogs will hide the view,

Mud will get as thick as glue,

Rain, snow, hail will come in lieu

Of the warmth to which we grew

Quite accustomed, and will brew

Colds, coughs, influenza, rheumatism

to thrill us through.

Gone the sky of southern hue,

Cloudless space of cobalt blue!

Gone the nights so sultry—phew!

Quite without rheumatic dew.

Gone the days, when each anew

Seemed yet finer! In Corfu,

California, Peru,

This would not be strange, but true;

But the weatherwise at Kew

Say in England it is new.

Peerless summer, in these few

Lines we bid farewell to you!

Or as cockneys say, "Aydew!"

A "Shakspearian Student" wants to know "if, when Richard the Third calls out 'A horse, a horse, my kingdom for a horse!' he is not alluding to the Night-Mare from which he is only just recovering." [Can't say. Highly probable. So like Shakspeare.—Ed.]

Dear Mr. P.,—I believe you do not know that Mrs. R. recently visited Rome. She tells me that she thinks it an excellent thing that the Tontine Marshes have been planted with Apocalypses.

## THE CITY HORSE.

#### (A Legend of the "Coming Ninth.")

"You must let me have him on the day I have specified," said the military-looking man, with an air of determination.

"And you order this, Sir, after learning his history?" replied the well-educated cabman. "You know that he has been in a circus?"

"I do; it is one of his greatest qualifications. A circus, I think you said, where there was a brass band?"

"Not only a brass band, but a very brassy band indeed; a brass band all drum, trombone, and cymbal! A brass band that could be heard for miles!"

"And he bore it well?" asked the ex-soldier. "He did not mind the noise?"

"Not he," was the reply. "Why should he mind it? For remember he was accustomed to insults from the clown. When a horse regards insults from the clown with equanimity, you may be sure he will object to nothing."

"And what were the nature of these insults?" queried the veteran warrior, with renewed interest. "Did the clown push him about? Did he tell him to gee-up?"

"Why, certainly. Had he been an unruly crowd at Blackheath on a Bank Holiday, the clown could not have behaved worse. And Rufus, poor beast! bore it all—six nights a week, with a matinée thrown in on a Saturday—without complaining."

"And you do not think he would mind being called 'cat's-meat?' Not even by a rude boy?"

"Bless you, Sir, it is what I often call him myself. Rufus is his name, but cat's-meat is his nature. But don't you want him for more than a day? Won't you buy him?"

"No," returned the veteran soldier, sternly. "I only require him for the Ninth."

"He is getting too old for cabwork," argued the well-read driver. "He would make a splendid charger for the adjutant of a Yeomanry corps, and out of training might be put in the harness of a bathing-machine. No, pray don't interrupt me, Sir. You are going to urge that he would be useless in the winter. But no, Sir, you are wrong. He might take round coal (in small quantities), when the nights draw in. Can I not tempt you, Sir? You shall have him a bargain. Shall we say a penny a pound?"

"I have already told you," replied the warrior, "that I have need of him only on the 9th. You understand, the 9th of next month."

The well-read cab-driver nodded, and the two men parted. It was a bargain. Rufus (alias "Cat's-meat") was to be ready for hire on the 9th of November.

"What does he want to do with the brute?" the well-read cabman asked himself again and again. "Surely he cannot mean to ride it? And yet he desired to learn if Rufus were up to his weight; and when I answered Yes, his eyes brightened, and he regarded the animal with renewed interest."

And all through the day the mystery puzzled him. He could not solve the problem, try as he would. Suddenly, as he was discussing a cup of tea in a shelter, a ray of light flooded his perplexed mind.

"Eureka!" he exclaimed; "the warrior must have been the City Marshal; and he wanted Rufus ('Cat's-meat'), of course, for the Lord Mayor's Show!" And perhaps the cabman had guessed rightly. Only the future can tell.

A Question for Scotchmen.—The Duke of Athole announces that he is in future to be described as the Duke of Atholl. Why has he changed his name? Because he canna thole it.

A Duke cannot add to his stature a cubit,

Like the frog in the fable in vain he may swell;

And in vain does he alter his name with a new bit,

Its length is the same, though he tacks on an "l."

M. Zola is a Son of France. Around him are many literary planets and stars, and imitators, shining with reflected light—the French Zolar System. This is the Theory of Mr. Punch.

[pg 191]

### LIKA JOKO'S JOTTINGS. A GOLF MEETING.

[pg 192]

### A "FANTASTIC" ACTION.

> ["A young lady of Newark while dancing a few nights ago fell and broke her leg, and she has now commenced an action for damages against her partner, to whom she attributes the cause of the accident."—Daily Telegraph.]

"Oh, bother!" girls will sigh; "a fresh excuse

For men not fond of dancing to forsake us!

We fancy we can hear them say 'the deuce!

We can't dance now; to drop a girl might break us!'

Now e'en 'the better sort,' who used to beg

To see our cards, will—or our wits deceive us—

Reflect that they may break a partner's leg,

And, choose, alas, to 'make a leg,' and leave us."

### DRAMA COLLEGE.

Establishment for Young Ladies, and Preparatory School for Little Boys,

Conducted by

THE MISSES MELPOMENE AND THALIA.

The Curriculum includes thorough grounding in Knowledge of Life, and in High-class Virtue and Honesty. The Pupils are carefully restrained from the practice of "unlovely middle-class virtue." Severe morality constantly inculcated. Mere amusement strictly excluded. Aristocratic Deportment and Etiquette taught by experienced Assistants.

For further particulars apply to Mr. Enry Hauthur Jones.

### A PRICELESS POSSESSION.

Mrs. Golightly. "Oh, I hope you won't think it rude, but would you mind telling me what that wonderful Black Stone you're wearing is?"

Mrs. Luxor. "Oh, certainly. I find most People envy me that. It's a piece of real English Coal!"

Mrs. Golightly. "How wonderful! Ah, I Wish my Husband was A Millionaire!"

### AWFUL RESULT OF THE COAL FAMINE.

(Upon an Ordinarily Innocent and Non-punning Fire-worshipper).

Oh! what a period! Strikes might puzzle Solon!

I love, in winter—having shut up shop—

My snug back-parlour fire to semi-colon,

Now there's no colon, fuel's at a full-stop!

I have burned coke, wood, turf, aye, even slate,

But to no fire myself cannot a-comma-date!

"Practical John."—Mr. Hollingshead's advertisement, headed "Plain Words to the Public," is eminently characteristic of the author. Says he, "The prices I start with I shall stand or fall by." Certainly, as the prices are moderate, the public will stand them, so he needn't trouble himself on that score. If he be riding for a fall, and if the public won't come down heavily, let us hope, if he fall at all, he will come down lightly. Then he adds, in his own independent way, "If it is thought necessary to tamper with these prices in an upward direction" ["tampering upward" is pretty], "I shall give up this, my final effort in theatrical management" [Oh, no, don't!—please don't!!], "and walk out of the building." Why "walk"? By his own free admission he will be driven out (which sounds like a contradiction in terms), so why make a virtue of walking out. Never walk when you can ride. But J. H. walk out!! "J. H. y suis et J. H. y reste."

### THE BRIGHT AND BEAUTIFUL WORKING-MAN.

(As described by Sir E. Arnold at Birmingham.)

A wonderful joy our eyes to bless,

In his magnificent happiness,

Is the working-man of whom I sing,

Who fares more royally than a king.

Seeing his "board" Sir Edwin's floored—

Hors d'œuvres, soup, fish, entrée, joint, game, ices.

Ab ovo nothing has been ignored

Usque ad malum, not minding prices.

Augustus might have have his sight

Reading with only a lamp or taper;

The working-man's electric light

Glows on immaculate daily paper.

Go search in Mommsen's history,

Then come you home and sing with me—

No life of emperor could, or can,

Be bright as that of the working-man!

"Machinery turns his toil to art."

Burne-Jones and Morris at this would start.

Though the "Arts and Crafts" be with horror dumb,

A Birmingham Parthenon yet may come!

The School Board's pains mature his brains,

Masses beat classes—he'll soon annul us.

Never went—as he goes—in trains

Heliogabalus or Lucullus.

He, should he care, can daily stare

At statues draped by dear Mrs. Grundy,

And ride in trams for a halfpenny fare,

And "wire" for sixpence, except on Sunday.

His letters traverse the ocean wave.

Note.—If a penny you fail to save,

To Henniker-Heaton please apply,

And he will discover the reason why.

Rich in the things contentment brings,

In every pure enjoyment wealthy,

But is he as gay as the poet sings,

In body and mind as hale and healthy?

In silence adept, he has certainly kept

So extremely quiet we should not know it.

Yet he "as authorities mayn't accept"

Such blooming blokes as an Eastern poet.

Oh What a Sir Pryce!—Sir Pryce Pryce-Jones, M.P. for the Montgomery Boroughs, has received a testimonial from his constituents. That is to say, because he has been a nice-Pryce-Jones they have made him a prize-Pryce-Jones. Bravo, Sir Twice-Pryce-Jones!

Suggestion to Provincial Lawn-Tennis Club.—Why not give Lawn-Tennis Balls in Costume during the winter?

### QUOTH DUNRAVEN, NEVERMORE!

There's many a slip 'twixt "cup" and lip!

Is there not, good Dunraven?

You'll take your Transatlantic trip

Like sportsman, not like craven.

The "centre-board" against the keel

Has won. On woe we sup, Sir!

As in old nursery rhyme we feel

"The 'dish' ran away with the—cup," Sir!

The Valkyries, those valiant dames,

Success might sure have wished us;

But the Vigilant, our yacht-builders shames.

The "Yankee Dish" has—dished us!

### TO "HANS BREITMANN."

> [Mr. C. G. Leland, in his recently-published Memoirs, informs us of his very early appreciation of the formula, "I am I—I am myself—I myself I."]

You, from mirth to logic turning,

Doubly proved yourself the right man,

By your wondrous breadth of learning,

For the title of "der Breitmann."

Yes, the lore and fun within you

Show us yearly greater reasons

Why we wish you to continue

Quite yourself for farther seasons.

Transcriber's Note: Sundry damaged or missing punctuation has been repaired. Page 192: Extra 'have' removed. "AUGUSTUS might have (have) hurt his sight".

    End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari,
    October 21st 1893, by Various

    *** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***

    ***** This file should be named 39351-h.htm or 39351-h.zip *****
    This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:
            http://www.gutenberg.org/3/9/3/5/39351/

    Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Lesley Halamek and the Online
    Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net

    Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions
    will be renamed.

    Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no
    one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation
    (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without
    permission and without paying copyright royalties.  Special rules,
    set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to
    copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to
    protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark.  Project
    Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you
    charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission.  If you
    do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the
    rules is very easy.  You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose
    such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and
    research.  They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do
    practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks.  Redistribution is
    subject to the trademark license, especially commercial
    redistribution.

    *** START: FULL LICENSE ***

    THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE
    PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK

    To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free
    distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work
    (or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project
    Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project
    Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at
    http://gutenberg.org/license).

    Section 1.  General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm
    electronic works

    1.A.  By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm
    electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to
    and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property
    (trademark/copyright) agreement.  If you do not agree to abide by all
    the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy
    all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession.
    If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project
    Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the
    terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or
    entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8.

    1.B.  "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark.  It may only be
    used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who
    agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement.  There are a few
    things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works
    even without complying with the full terms of this agreement.  See
    paragraph 1.C below.  There are a lot of things you can do with Project
    Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement
    and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
    works.  See paragraph 1.E below.

    1.C.  The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation"
    or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project
    Gutenberg-tm electronic works.  Nearly all the individual works in the
    collection are in the public domain in the United States.  If an
    individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are
    located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from
    copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative
    works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg
    are removed.  Of course, we hope that you will support the Project
    Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by
    freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of
    this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with
    the work.  You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by
    keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project
    Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others.

    1.D.  The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern
    what you can do with this work.  Copyright laws in most countries are in
    a constant state of change.  If you are outside the United States, check
    the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement
    before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or
    creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project
    Gutenberg-tm work.  The Foundation makes no representations concerning
    the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United
    States.

    1.E.  Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg:

    1.E.1.  The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate
    access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently
    whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the
    phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project
    Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed,
    copied or distributed:

    This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
    almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
    re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
    with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org/license

    1.E.2.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived
    from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is
    posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied
    and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees
    or charges.  If you are redistributing or providing access to a work
    with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the
    work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1
    through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the
    Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or
    1.E.9.

    1.E.3.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted
    with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution
    must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional
    terms imposed by the copyright holder.  Additional terms will be linked
    to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the
    permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work.

    1.E.4.  Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm
    License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this
    work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm.

    1.E.5.  Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this
    electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without
    prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with
    active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project
    Gutenberg-tm License.

    1.E.6.  You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary,
    compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any
    word processing or hypertext form.  However, if you provide access to or
    distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than
    "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version
    posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org),
    you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a
    copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon
    request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other
    form.  Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm
    License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1.

    1.E.7.  Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying,
    performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works
    unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9.

    1.E.8.  You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing
    access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided
    that

    - You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from
         the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method
         you already use to calculate your applicable taxes.  The fee is
         owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he
         has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the
         Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation.  Royalty payments
         must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you
         prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax
         returns.  Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and
         sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the
         address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to
         the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation."

    - You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies
         you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he
         does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm
         License.  You must require such a user to return or
         destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium
         and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of
         Project Gutenberg-tm works.

    - You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any
         money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the
         electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days
         of receipt of the work.

    - You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free
         distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works.

    1.E.9.  If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm
    electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set
    forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from
    both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael
    Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark.  Contact the
    Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below.

    1.F.

    1.F.1.  Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable
    effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread
    public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm
    collection.  Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
    works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain
    "Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or
    corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual
    property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a
    computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by
    your equipment.

    1.F.2.  LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right
    of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project
    Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project
    Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project
    Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all
    liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal
    fees.  YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT
    LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE
    PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH 1.F.3.  YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE
    TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE
    LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR
    INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH
    DAMAGE.

    1.F.3.  LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a
    defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can
    receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a
    written explanation to the person you received the work from.  If you
    received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with
    your written explanation.  The person or entity that provided you with
    the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a
    refund.  If you received the work electronically, the person or entity
    providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to
    receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund.  If the second copy
    is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further
    opportunities to fix the problem.

    1.F.4.  Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth
    in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS' WITH NO OTHER
    WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO
    WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE.

    1.F.5.  Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied
    warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages.
    If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the
    law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be
    interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by
    the applicable state law.  The invalidity or unenforceability of any
    provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions.

    1.F.6.  INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the
    trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone
    providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance
    with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production,
    promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works,
    harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees,
    that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do
    or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm
    work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any
    Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause.

    Section  2.  Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm

    Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of
    electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers
    including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers.  It exists
    because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from
    people in all walks of life.

    Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the
    assistance they need, are critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's
    goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will
    remain freely available for generations to come.  In 2001, the Project
    Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure
    and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations.
    To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation
    and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4
    and the Foundation web page at http://www.pglaf.org.

    Section 3.  Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive
    Foundation

    The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit
    501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the
    state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal
    Revenue Service.  The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification
    number is 64-6221541.  Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at
    http://pglaf.org/fundraising.  Contributions to the Project Gutenberg
    Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent
    permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws.

    The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S.
    Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered
    throughout numerous locations.  Its business office is located at
    809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email
    business@pglaf.org.  Email contact links and up to date contact
    information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official
    page at http://pglaf.org

    For additional contact information:
         Dr. Gregory B. Newby
         Chief Executive and Director
         gbnewby@pglaf.org

    Section 4.  Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg
    Literary Archive Foundation

    Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide
    spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of
    increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be
    freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest
    array of equipment including outdated equipment.  Many small donations
    ($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt
    status with the IRS.

    The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating
    charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United
    States.  Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a
    considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up
    with these requirements.  We do not solicit donations in locations
    where we have not received written confirmation of compliance.  To
    SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any
    particular state visit http://pglaf.org

    While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we
    have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition
    against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who
    approach us with offers to donate.

    International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make
    any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from
    outside the United States.  U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff.

    Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation
    methods and addresses.  Donations are accepted in a number of other
    ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations.
    To donate, please visit: http://pglaf.org/donate

    Section 5.  General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
    works.

    Professor Michael S. Hart is the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm
    concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared
    with anyone.  For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project
    Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support.

    Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed
    editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S.
    unless a copyright notice is included.  Thus, we do not necessarily
    keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition.

    Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility:

         http://www.gutenberg.org

    This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm,
    including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary
    Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to
    subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks.